Winning an Unseen Battle

It was just an ordinary phone call, an everyday conversation not unlike the countless others Austin Hansen and Conner Taylor had shared. Although they attended universities in two different states, the best friends would check in with each other often throughout the week, and this call in February 2016 seemed like any other.

Little did Austin know that phone call would be the last with his best friend.

Hearing the News

Not long after that routine chat with Conner, Austin received a different kind of phone call, one that would change everything

Austin was sitting in Headington Hall when he heard from one of his friends, who told him that Conner had committed suicide. It was Feb. 9, 2016, right before the start of Austin's freshman season at Oklahoma, and after Austin hung up the phone, he said he did not really want to deal with his emotions. Instead he went right to baseball practice and did not tell anyone the devastating news he had just heard.

“I just kind of pushed all my emotions down and didn't really deal with it how you should have just because it was my freshman year, and I wanted to get on the field,” Austin explained. “I didn't want that to affect my play, but it was definitely the hardest year of my life.”

Austin said he had no idea that Conner was struggling so much and that he always seemed like the happiest person. In a letter to his parents and friend group, Conner had said there were demons inside of his head that he could not live with anymore, Austin said.

“Seeing that letter, it kind of makes it a little bit easier just knowing that he was actually going through something,” Austin explained. “It kind of puts your mind at peace so you don't have to keep searching for answers, but you always wish that he would be here with us today.”

If Austin could redo that last phone call with his best friend, he said he'd want to make sure Conner knew he was there for him as someone to listen and help carry his pain.

“The first two years dealing with it I kind of blamed myself knowing that, thinking that I could have stopped it, but once you kind of look back you're like he's been going through this so long there's not much that I could have really done,” Austin said.

Beginning a Friendship

Conner was two years older than Austin, a junior on the varsity baseball team at Olathe Northwest High School in Olathe, Kansas, when Austin was a freshman. Conner instantly took Austin under his wing, giving him a ride to all the games and looking out for him.

“Austin was the only freshman that was hanging out with all the juniors and seniors,” said Austin's mom, Dawn. “Conner was just the best friend to Austin ... Everybody accepted Austin because everybody loved Conner.”

After that first year, the two remained close, always fishing in the pond in Conner's backyard and hanging out “every single day pretty much all the time,” Austin said.

“He would just go in any room, he would light up that room,” Austin said of Conner's personality. “He was just a fun person to hang out with. He would always make you laugh and just anything he would do for you. He was a guy who would always put you before himself.”

"Any problem I ever had it would either be Conner or my mom, those were my two go-tos ... I think it was just a trust thing."
- Austin Hansen

Conner was a caring person, and he formed a big brother mentality when it came to Austin, said Conner's mom, Marcy. The two were similar, with giving personalities and a shared funniness and wittiness. Even now, Marcy said Austin's smile reminds her a lot of Conner.

“I don't even know how to explain how they bonded,” Marcy said. “They just knew they were supposed to be together.”

The friendship continued even after Conner graduated and went to Coffeyville Community College in Coffeyville, Kansas, to play baseball. Austin would go watch some of his games there, and Conner would come home to watch him. Then, once Austin moved to Norman, the best friends still talked all the time.

“He was like an older brother to me. I'm the oldest brother, so he was like an older brother I could look up to,” Austin said. “He was my first person with anything. Any problem I ever had it would either be Conner or my mom, those were my two go-tos ... I think it was just a trust thing. He went out of his way to take me under his wing, so I trusted him kind of with everything because he didn't have to do that but he did.”

Asking for Help

After Conner's funeral, Austin came back to Norman and poured his energy into the upcoming baseball season and began to internalize his feelings surrounding Conner's death.

“I feel sorry for Austin because he wasn't here when it really happened, so when he came home just kind of like slammed him right in the face,” Marcy said. “He didn't have time to be with his other friends who were here with us and dealing with everything and talking about it. When he got here it was real and he didn't really have time to process it like a lot of us did.

“Dawn and I we were really worried about him because you could tell he was going to take some time to process and get through it,” Marcy added. “We would try and talk to him, and he didn't want to talk about it. He was trying to deal with it on his own where we all came together and were helping each other, and he missed that.”

Green Shoe Lacs

Oklahoma wore green shoe laces in honor of Mental Health Awareness Month on May 4 vs. K-State.

Austin began to isolate himself, sitting in his room and not talking to anyone. He eventually realized how much he was struggling and that he needed to ask for help.

“It was like I can't live like this anymore, I can't live in this type of pain anymore, or I'm going to end up like Conner,” Austin shared. “I couldn't let my friends and family go through that one more time. Sophomore year, I went up to the coaches and I was like, ?I could throw a perfect game in Omaha right now, and I really would not care ... I just don't know what's going on in my life.”

That's when the staff helped coordinate a time for Austin to meet with the Psychological Resources for OU Student-Athletes, or PROS, office. PROS offers OU student-athletes a diversity of services, including individual counseling, psychological testing, sports psychology, team building and leadership skills, among others.

Dr. Cody Commander, interim director of PROS, said meeting with a mental health provider can be viewed just like seeking services for anything in which a person might want to get better.

“If you want to get better grades, you can benefit from getting a tutor. If you want to get better at the way you eat, you can benefit from a dietician or a nutritionist,” Commander explained. “If you want to get happier with life or be able to perform mentally, that's where PROS or a mental health provider comes in.”

It took a while for Austin to share with his parents that he was seeking help because he was worried they would be scared or upset, but Dawn said their initial reaction was pride.

“I said, ?Austin, I'm the furthest from upset. I am so proud of you because most men, especially in sports, you have to be strong, you have to put on this front that I have everything together,'” Dawn stated. “We were beyond proud he went and sought help ... We just couldn't put into words to him that no we're not sad, we're not scared, we're just proud that you were man enough to talk about your struggles rather than just keep internalizing them.”

Embracing the Healing

As a junior, Austin is having his best season so far in the Crimson and Cream, making 24 appearances and posting a 1.93 ERA with 35 strikeouts in 28 innings pitched.

“It's been a lot more fun because the first two years here, I kind of was making baseball more than it really was,” Austin said. “I was making it a do or die type of situation, but this year I'm just out here having fun because that's how Conner and I would play in high school.”

Part of Austin's counseling was to write a letter to Conner, a final goodbye where he thanked his best friend for everything and let him know he wouldn't be in the position he is today if not for Conner always pushing him and having his back when he needed it.

“I think this year has just been a huge turning point when he has finally went through the process, has come home, went to the grave, he's done all those steps, he's worked all those steps with a counselor and done everything he should,” Dawn shared. “You can see it now where the love for the game is back. The sparkle in his eyes is just fantastic.”

For Austin, he wants to share his story to help people to realize that someone may be facing some major struggles, so it is important to approach everyone with a kind heart, Dawn said.

“Austin is a student-athlete at the University of Oklahoma and people think he's got the world in his hands,” Dawn stated. “And here he is struggling internally, and no one knows, and so for him he doesn't want anybody to be stuck in that place that he was.”

Austin Hansen

Austin Hansen was named to the All-Big 12 First Team this season and has six saves in 30 appearances.

His teammates have been supportive of Austin, and once he shared what he was going through, they let him know they were for him and that he did not have to hold his feelings in. Junior pitcher Jake Irvin, who is one of Austin's roommates, said the Sooners have learned a lot about mental health through Austin's story.

“He's got that liveliness back to him, and I think he's be just the same ol' Austin and he's having fun with everything he's doing,” Irvin said. “I think that's kind of the biggest thing is you can see that that doesn't really have an effect on him anymore. It's more the Austin Hansen that we came in with.”

Supporting the Cause

In their recent series against Kansas State, the Sooners wore green shoelaces to support May's Mental Health Awareness Month. Austin said he started tearing up as he laced up his cleats that weekend knowing that Conner would kind of be with him on the field. Austin earned a save in the Saturday game against the Wildcats, tossing all three batters he faced in the ninth inning and adding another save on Sunday.

This season, Austin has written “CT8” on the corner of his hat, representing Conner's initials and his jersey number from when the two were teammates. He also has a No. 8 tattoo on his side that he and some friends got in memory of Conner.

“Before every time I come up I'll touch my tattoo and then point to the sky just to let him know that I'm doing this for him,” Austin explained. “It's just showing people that I'm playing for something bigger than myself, and I think that's the most important thing in baseball and life is doing something bigger than yourself.”

For others who may be struggling with their mental health, Austin wants them to know the importance of not keeping it to themselves and instead finding someone to talk to about whatever they may be facing.

“I would say never keep it to yourself like I did because that's what caused it,” Austin expressed. “I wouldn't talk to anyone, I wouldn't talk to any of my roommates or anything because I just wanted to hold it in. I didn't want to put my pain on anyone else, and I think that's what Conner was doing too, but once you're able to get it out and I think that's when everything rushes off of your shoulders because you have someone to talk about it with.

“It's alright to have the lows, and no matter how bad the time is, it will always get better,” Austin continued. “When I lost Conner, I didn't think it was ever going to get better. Just because it was losing your best friend, pretty much one of your brothers, but everything always gets better no matter what the situation is ... You just got to go about it and realize how amazing life is to be able to wake up every morning and enjoy a beautiful day like today.”

Hearing the News

Beginning a Friendship

Asking for Help

Embracing the Healing

Supporting the Cause

Players Mentioned

Austin Hansen

Jake Irvin

Sponsors

University of Oklahoma Athletics